Refreshing and lighter. Although, I wish thats how it looked physically as well. When you make that first step to actually leave what’s eating you up and draining your being, you feel refreshed and lighter.
It was perhaps 6 years being married – I’m literally sitting here trying to calculate in my head but it’s not functioning well at 2:23 am on a Monday – when I decided enough is enough. I was probably hurt physically once by my baby daddy (very minor scratches hahaha) but I was spiritually and emotionally abused everyday. I would’ve rather been physically abused as it heals easier. I’m not writing to complain or to vent; this is my way of receiving new eyes for the world. If anything, I am thankful (in a way) that i EXperienced that side of life. The fake smiles (well I got told off so many times for having my bitch face on which is just my face relaxed), the trying to hold his hand in public, the “happy family”, the “yes you can go out with the boys but you weren’t going to ask me anyway”… I could go on and on and – boy bye! Ha!!
Well, you know how most people would count the amount of “eggplants” or “kittykats” they got, but dont count those failed encounters, do I count my failed encounter with my EX? I mean thats the real reason why I can’t count how long we were married for and when I actually did leave him. Do I start from when I physically left him or when he decided to not be a father anymore? There’s too much that it became an EXperience. One that didn’t count. It’s like your age. Once you hit 21, you don’t remember any birthdays after that. At least you try not to. Thank you facebook friends for the reminder that i have had 9 years of experience being 21.
So back to the story. When I found the courage to leave, it was scary. I was still trying to make my mind up, I was worried that I’ll get caught trying to leave and I still didn’t know what the heck I was doing. Finally, we were on our way. An 8/10 hour drive turned into maybe a 12 hour drive. It was my first long drive ever and I wasn’t sure how my girl would be and if my sh**tbox would be good all the way. Our first stop was going into 2 hours. Thats where the ex “resided” – another story. I changed my mobile number while we were there. I had thoughts of turning back around “just in case”. Inside of me was saying keep going, you can do this! Farewell to you motherf***er; and we kept going.
Excitement, as we saw the signs to our destination were no longer hundreds of kilometres away anymore. Relief, when we saw my family waiting for us. Hugs that tortured my sunburnt arm and pure love made all my worries at the time seem like dust. I wish it could’ve stayed like that though. Wow was I in for a treat for the next couple years. Well, my story never ends. Unless God calls me tomorrow and says He needs me. Tomorrow never comes. Today I live and my daughter lives. God has blessed us with all that we have and we get another chance to make better choices and see the world with new eyes. Don’t label and don’t judge. One day you might be the one in those shoes – just maybe not the rich people shoes LOL.
By the way, I have no intentions of trying to be a preacher of any sort in case anyone is confused about how I talk. Me and God are all goods like that and He knows I swear like a sailor (more like a Samoan mother). Trusting in Him has made my burdens much lighter.
Refreshed and lighter indeed.
P.S- is this a blog? Sorry (not sorry) for the life story.